Some Cry Wolf
The White House has announced preemptively that America has
been spying on its allies for an unspecified amount of time, prompting the
world to respond, "what allies"?
"Ugg", said the White House. "We're totally
offended. We have lots of friends. For instance, Latvinscandinovia and Englesbekistan.
In fact, they came over just last night. And while we enjoyed their trust, we
spied on them. Win-win."
Presidential spokesman James Carney stated, "Perhaps
our strongest friendship is with Francesylvania. We have enjoyed a strategic
partnership with them since before Columbus set sail. This is beyond dispute. And yes, I do descend from circus performers."
Anxious reporters attempted with deft perspicacity to locate
Francesylvania on the map, and, giving up, accepted the news uncritically.
Anderson Cooper, with typical grandiloquence: "Our
foreign correspondents were specifically trained to avoid the bias of geography
in locating countries. Logic is so passe. Relativity is a scientific principal,
just ask Einstein."
And yet, our former allies and other global hotshots remain
skeptical. Here is a compendium of their responses.
France: America is like that weird bully who nobody likes.
France knows all about bullies. Please don't kill us now, America.