Some Cry Wolf
A spokesman for the Dow Jones Average has indicated that it may not be a
good indicator of economic strength, after all. "To generate the
number, first, we get a bunch of monkeys into a room; then, we play a
game called 'Monkey Shuffle,' which corresponds to a complex algorithm,
depending upon various monkey dances. This is how we get the Dow Jones."
Meanwhile, 'Monkey Futures' are now going bananas.
A senior White House economist mused, "Throughout the ages, gold has
been the transactional epicenter of human economic activity. Now we have
monkeys aping gold, and gold's devolving. You can't make this stuff
Disgruntled investors are asking the question: "If the Dow Jones no longer works, how can we re-create the "Monkey Shuffle?"
NASDAQ analysts were quick to step up and answer questions concerning
their method, stating, "Our indicator is based upon the most genuine
fabrications possible. As soon as the goose is cooked, we serve it up to
But this has only caused more confusion among investors, leading them to
wonder, "First monkeys, and now geese? What will they tell us next,
that money isn't real?"
A congressional panel may or may not convene Monday, depending on
"exclusive T-times." But a Congressional spokesman cast some light on
the situation, saying, "The thing about money is, we just have so damn
much of it! Hey. Would you like to see my money tree?"