Some Cry Wolf
stunning news, the Incorporated Amerikan Media (I AM) has publicly
declared its "woeful neglect of pertinent national issues', disclosing
its collective addiction to a substance which causes "manifold
ridiculousness", "partial amnesia" (in the sense of forgetting things
due to partiality), and "global wanderlust".
Anderson Cooper: "It was like I woke up and actually saw what a bad job I was doing."
Bill O'reilly: "Oh. My head! Somebody get me an asperin."
officially undisclosed, the substance is rumored to be imported from
China and/or Moscow, an intoxicating powder called "porphyria".
Journalists who have gone cold turkey report experiencing "impulsive
bouts of honesty", "paroxysms of patriotism", and in rare cases, the
dreaded "Charles Bronson Syndrome", whereby formerly establishment
journalists flip out and decide to single-handedly take on the entire
Chris Mathews: "Have I really been yelling at the camera like that for the past ten years? Porphyria, it's all your fault!"
across the nation, journalistic addicts are taking the pledge to "do
the news sober", without the need of any Russo-Chinese substances,
smuggled in to the US by linen, with red marks and regal crests.