Some Cry Wolf
St Patrick stunned the world today by holding a press conference at the
Washington Monument, which he declared, "A wake up call for revelers".
The glorious saint descended in a brilliant cloud a midst drunken party
girls and their temporary fawning escorts. Although he did not strike
them with divine lightning, his look of sadness nearly crushed their
sense of hyper-inflated frivolity.
He immediately proceeded to the Monument, followed by a stupefied crowd
of boozers, who were congregating (ostensibly) in his name. Eye
witnesses report he did not so much walk as float, and that many had
their eyes incinerated.
When he had taken up his impromptu position, he began to speak.
"Brothers and sisters, I have come back amongst you to insist that you
at least have the courage to name your festival after a real drunkard.
Allow me to suggest Earnest Hemingway. He even has modern cache. I was
not a teetotaler, but reveling? Not my thing, people."
He went on to explain that, "Green is not my color. So if you do keep
the festival's name, please change it's color to red. Specifically, I
prefer maroon. When I have the occasional pint in Heaven with the Lord, I
usually wear either it, or a tasteful plaid tartan."