The Two-Headed Hydra - Satire!

Chris Veritas
Some Cry Wolf

60 Spin Its

New employment figures have been released by the National American Plutocracy for the US (Nap for US, for short), which were curiously made public at midnight on a Saturday. The Chairman of "Nappy" (an affectionate Washington Diminutive), made this statement. "Hello. My name is Drake Valerian. The country is a mess, and we've given up trying to keep track. Oh, and the official employment figures are a total farce. I mean, how can those news parrots repeat such pablum with a straight face? We took a poll, and the majority of us decided they took lying in college. And we do polls for a living."

As it happens, Valerian was scheduled to be interviewed by CNN the next Sunday, but for something relating to his heroic rescue of two drowning puppies in the Potomac. With typical ineptness, Anderson Cooper referred offhandedly to his job as a statistician, which opened the door for Valerian. And boy did he kick it down! Immediately, the story went viral.

That is the only reason we at 60 Spin Its would mention it at all. I mean, do you really think we have any interest in reporting the truth? Ha! But I digress.

Within a day, the White House (known as Casablanca by hipsters, both because it sounds cool, and because they sense it is like a set piece), had come up with a "clever response", parrying the conclusions of the "Nappy" polling committee. Barack Obama AND Jay Carney took to the podium, employing their "two- headed Hydra routine" (patented, with violations subject to heavy penalties, including but not limited to imprisonment, and heavy fines), much to the wonderment of the press corps, who are always easily dazzled by ephemera.

Obama, followed by Carney, began in alternating verse:

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